Becoming a mommy...

It still doesn't quite feel real to me. The doctor said it was "very positive" but it was just a pee test...I think I need an ultrasound to make it feel real. This is so scary and so exciting, as James said earlier, all of these mixed emotions come in waves. Right now we are trying to figure out insurance and that is stressful and terrifying. But then I will be looking at sweet baby blankets and my heart is flooded and I can feel my "happy butterflies" dancing around my chest and stomach.

One thing is for sure....I cannot get my brain off baby. I usually love to sleep in (seriously...like until 11!) and I will any chance I get. For the past two days, though I haven't had work or school, I have been up at 9:30 am. I am awoken to thoughts of baby. Baby clothes, telling people about baby, baby insurance, baby, baby, baby! This is all fine and well (and I hope think normal), but I am still trying to finish my last paper of summer semester and it feels utterly impossible.

I have decided to move up my graduation date to December rather than May so that baby will not come smack dab in the middle of my final project (like a thesis!). My, how quickly plans change. I felt panicky at first -- but now it feels right. My career path has taken a slight detour, but I have always dreamed about being a mommy. I am one of those women who just swoons around babies. One of my professors told me that women (especially women with high levels of estrogen) can actually produce oxytocin by just being around babies. That explains why I fall in love with every baby I see, and you can imagine how excited I am for hubby and I to have one of our very own!

It's funny how even though the timing is completely inconvenient and we are not at all prepared, I wouldn't change it for the world. The thought of NOT really being pregnant now terrifies me, when just five days ago the thought of being pregnant would have freaked me out.

Hubby's reaction is something that will always stick with me...

I always thought I would have some elaborate, Pinterest worthy way of telling him he was gong to be a daddy, but I was completely unprepared for this. I hadn't even fully processed it by the time I got home from the doctor. I went for back pain and an x-ray and left with a baby in my belly! I was supposed to be in class until 9:30 pm! Well, I couldn't get home fast enough, so I turned in my assignments and rushed home. I came in the door and said "They couldn't do the x-rays," and he got up from where he was sitting and came over to me and said "why not?" I gave him this goofy grin that I thought for sure would tip him off (but of course he was clueless because it was so out of left field). So in a squeaky, nervous voice I told him "cause we're going to have a baby!" He squealed "what?!" and immediately burst out in a huge smile and hugged and kissed me (and yes...jumped up and down). It was wonderful. I finally cried my first tears since finding out and let the fullness of that joy wash over me.

Since then, of course, we have alternated between panic and joy-- but the joy is definitely bigger. I practically have my baby registry picked out already and I just found out! I am like 5 weeks!? Yes, I am a little crazy, but at least I will be (somewhat) prepared...right?!?