I'll never forget the feelings that washed over me that afternoon; sheer helplessness and overwhelming guilt that didn't feel like it would ever relent.
Our little guy had a nick on his face that morning because of the weed-like growth of his fingernails, and our inability to keep up with the maintenance required for their unreasonable pace. Micah hates having his nails clipped... with a passion that shouldn't exist yet in someone so little. That being said, traditionally we've utilized the, 'clip them while he's breastfeeding' trick. But that morning, mom was getting ready so that we could go out. I decided I could take on the task on my own.
One nail was conquered, with just minor fussing; but once he caught wind of what was happening, he quickly began to voice his disagreement. On to finger number two. A clip... then screams, then tears. I looked on helpless as the tiniest line of red began to form on the skin just on top of his nail. Then the tiniest bit of blood. The first unwarranted, human-induced pain caused to our child, and it was me. Daddy. To me, it felt as though I had butchered and most assuredly debilitated my poor son for life. His tears, oh his tears.. they were like salt being poured over the spot where a dagger had just moments earlier found its new home in my heart. There was nothing I could do. No words I could say. No means to express to this child how deeply sorry I was, and how in that moment there was absolutely nothing in the world I wished more than to be able to rewind time and take back that slip of the clip. But he couldn't understand that, which redoubled the pain. I could hardly bare much more.
This flowery harangue, however, has an end (thankfully), and a purpose - it led to insight and an epiphany: I love this child more deeply that I can even fully comprehend, and I don't know that I'll ever be able to. I know that now with a 'certainty' that can only come through experience. Most good fathers know that they love their children; but it's difficult to really know what that means. There were so many things going on inside of my mind, my heart and my soul simultaneously that I wasn't capable of processing.
My love for this little boy is unlike anything I have ever experienced before, and with each moment that passes I'm learning more and more what that looks and feels like. As my lovely bride has so eloquently proffered as a means to understanding: 'My Heart Is Full'.
Don't worry little one, mom hid the clippers.
